I just thought of a question that's been on my mind on an off for a while (and, consequently, thought of you.) I generally date/get sexy w/guys, but for as long (actually longer) as I've been interested in people sexually, I've also been interested in women. Just not to the same extent as with men. Unfortunately, due to what our society is in terms of non-traditional straight stuff, I guess we'll never know if that tip toward men is just socialized or if I really have a preference one way or another. I've never really given much thought to what sexual orientation I identify with, but now that I gave it a thought and can't figure out which one I'm best suited to (how bi does a girl have to be to be bi?) I've been considering going back to not caring again. I am who I am and if someone I like wants to get me off, good for the both of us regardless of gender. In light of this, my question is: do I HAVE to identify with a specific sexual orientation? is that a cop-out? or am I just fine the way I am?
your (not so) anonymous little friend
Dear Not So Anonymous Little Friend,
There are a couple of parts to this question that I would like to address. First off, I'd like to start with the beginning of your email. You stated that you've been attracted to women even before you were attracted to men. When children are young, and just getting to know their bodies, it's not an uncommon occurrence for them to have their first sexual experiences with other children of the same sex. In fact, that's how I had my first experiences with sexuality as well as did many other people I know. Though, there are few guys that will admit to it since our society seems to think that any kind of sexual contact with another male instantly turns you gay. These early sexual experiences usually have more to do with pure experimentation than real sexual attraction though. It's usually only later on that we delve into the more emotional aspects of sexuality, as we mature and begin puberty. So therefore, even though you may have had some girl on girl experiences or attractions when you were young, it's fairly common and natural and doesn't have much to do with being gay, straight, or bisexual. Whichever tendencies stayed with you as you matured, would probably be more accurate in highlighting what your true sexual preferences were.To address your issue with not knowing whether your preference for men is due to societal standards or not and whether you are bisexual, I think the solution is all about emotion. Nowadays, there are a lot of people who have experimented with bisexuality, or who are at least more open about it. Among these people there tend to be two groups, those that practice bisexuality on a regular basis and those who experiment with the same sex from time to time, but generally prefer the opposite sex. The main difference between these two groups is usually emotional attachment, or love. Many women claim that they really enjoy being with another woman, but they wouldn't date one because they are incapable of developing the same types of feelings and emotional attachment that they develop when they are in relationships with men. Basically they like fooling around with women but could never fall in love with one. This first group I would consider as having bisexual tendencies but not being bisexual, at least not under my definition of the word. The second group typically consists of people who are capable of falling in love with a man or a woman equally and tend have had committed relationships with both men and women.
Society has a lot to do with how we act and represent ourselves in public and even how we feel about ourselves as people, but I don't think society can change who you are capable or incapable of falling in love with, only whether you will be open about it publicly or not. So, basically my answer is this, if you feel that you are capable of falling in love with both men and women, then you are probably bisexual. If your feelings for men tend to be stronger than the ones you have for women, then you're probably just straight with bisexual tendencies. Either that or maybe you just haven't met the right girl yet.
Either way, identifying as bisexual, straight, or gay is really all about labels and labels tend to be more for other people than for ourselves. You don't have to label yourself anything if you don't want to. Or you could always switch it up, depending on your mood and confuse the hell out of everybody. Hee hee. Doing whatever gets your rocks off and makes you happy is the most important thing in the end. So label if you like, or simply say fuck it and keep your options open.
XOXO,
Reina
